The Dungeon Of Shame.
I received Jesus as my Lord and Savior when I was nine years old. It was such a sweet moment for me. I know I meant it and truly desired to know Him more.
I was already different than other people because I was hearing impaired. Ironically I received Jesus in my life the same year I got my first hearing aid. I guess I really wanted to stand out.
My Middle School years were very difficult. I was socially awkward and every day I was tormented by young boys mimicking my slurring speech. I had a deep desire to be loved and to be a friend to others around me but the message I received over and over again was, I was not good enough.
I was reading the bible and talking to God. I believed what He said was true but the voices in the world were screaming the opposite.
High School came and the pressure to be something other than I was or wanted to be, became greater. I watched others around me prosper, have lots of friends, boyfriends, nice clothes, and many things I would have liked to have had. I didn’t have many friends and always felt like an outsider every where I went.
I know God said He was with me, so why did I feel so lonely.
I decided to take a little detour and see if the grass was truly greener on the other side.
It was a very painful two years. Nothing I did really did seemed to matter. I ended up with a reputation that was worse than what I started with and I was completely alone.
At nineteen, I was pregnant and any worldly friend I had was no where to be found.
I slowly gained the courage to go back to church and restore my relationship with God. I repented and began the hard work of turning my life around as I began to prepare this important and sacred task of being a mom.
Over those two years, I had made many mistakes. Even though I had repented and knew God forgave me, I felt like I was living in a dungeon of shame. It paralyzed me. Satan tormented me with it and I couldn’t blame anyone but myself. My heart was full of pain, regret, and fear.
When I married my husband, all this came with me. He wanted to understand me and talk about things but I couldn’t even bring myself to say anything. He would ask me a question and I would sit and cry. It was too painful. Deep inside, I felt if we could just sweep things under the carpet, it would be easier or just go away.
I found myself trying to make it up to God in what I did. I found myself feeling like a failure all of the time because I couldn’t do it.
One night my husband firmly and lovingly sat me down and put me in a place where I had to admit where I really was. It was a breaking free moment. One I am forever grateful for.
The minute the words left my mouth, chains broke. I still had a very long way to go but it was the day Gd was able to move me forward because I was willing to confess it.
[tweetthis]Be thankful for friends who are willing to speak truth to you, even though it may be painful.[/tweetthis] That is God loving you through them. We think they do it because they are trying to hurt us but they are really desiring to help us move forward.Over the last 18 years, God has continued to break off that shame, where now I am able to talk about it. I am able to talk about the deep hurts, where they come from, and how God has healed me.
We don’t have to live in this shame and regret. We do need to repent and be forgiven. We do need to confess things to God and to others. That is when healing comes.
“Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.” James 5:16 NASB
Thank God for those who have prayed for me. Thank God for those who saw in me what I could be in Christ. Thank God He loved me enough to send Jesus, His only Son to die for me and be raised from the dead so that I may have life and have it abundantly. Thank God He redeems what the devil has come to steal, kill, and destroy.
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” John 10:10 NASB
I am sad that I had to do things the way I did but I am thankful for all I have learned through it. I thank God for those He has put in my life to pray for me and love me. I know that He does not waste anything.
I am here to encourage you, if you feel like you are living in a dungeon of shame, you don’t have to live there any longer! God can heal that heart of yours. [tweetthis]Do not let the enemy constantly remind you of your past, your sins, and your mistakes.[/tweetthis]
You don’t have to live there anymore! Jesus has the key. Will you give your shame to Him today? Let Him give you the freedom He died and rose again to give you. Honor His sacrifice, put the enemy in his place, and live out that abundant life today!!
