My heart has been saddened to hear about another precious life, surrendering to hopelessness.
As I live my days on this earth, I become more aware of the despair that lingers around, like a dark cloud on a stormy day. It is somber and dreary, and pulls you into a place within that is oppressive and sad.
I find myself falling into the pit of despair occasionally. Depression comes in like a dark cloud ready to storm. A tug of war begins inside me. It is not an easy battle to fight.
I know I am not the only one. I see it on people’s faces every day. I hear it in their voices now that I can hear their tones and attitudes.
I hear sadness, I hear loneliness and I hear pain.
Hope seems like a rare find.
I have found that real hope. A hope that is steadfast, through whatever you are going through. It is a hope that dispels the darkness found in this world.
This year I found myself in a depression deeper than I have been in since after I had my babies. The hope I needed was only found in one person and in one place.
I am still working through the battle, but thankfully I am not waking up everyday feeling sad and hopeless. There were days where I felt like I was trapped in this dungeon I could not escape. This can lead to some very dismal places in your mind and heart.
I realized that this place I was in kept getting deeper, and to be honest it scared me. I have struggled with depression all through my life on different levels. Some of it was rooted in hormones and other times it wasn’t. I have learned the triggers, but this one took me off guard. However, as I look at life, it made sense. There was loss, grief, huge transitions as a mom, and in family life. Hormones come into play also because I am heading into mid-life.
It has been a perfect storm scenario for me.
I knew I wasn’t handling this on my own very well. So, I was faced with a choice. I could either isolate and slip into an abyss I might not be able to come out of or get stuck in, or I could reach out.
I started by reaching out for prayer. My husband was praying for me and is continuing to do that on a daily basis. I have certain prayer warrior friends I reach out to for those deeper needs to be prayed for, so I reached out. I made myself get out more and interact with people on a regular basis. I talked to older women and mentors, who have counseled before, but also those who have been where I am, and could share their experiences with me.
I was struggling to worship and praise God. I was angry at Him, and frustrated with Him. This was a hard thing for me to admit because I don’t allow myself to get to that place often, if at all.
Then I was faced with another choice. I could either draw close to God or I could draw away from Him. Same thing with my husband. I could pull away or I could draw close.
Would I let them in, or push them away and try to deal with this on my own?
I can say that one thing God has worked out in me in my hearing loss, is that I have a choice. I can isolate and give up because the work can be hard and painful, or I can push through, do the work, and persevere.
There are days where this is more of a struggle than others, but the small victories are always worth it.
I began praying if maybe it was time for me to find a Doctor and see if I needed some medicine as well. I pray that if you are feeling that is what you need to do, that you go and take that step, without guilt.
Breakthrough began to come, I pushed myself to praise God again, even though I was angry and frustrated. My husband’s covering is powerful, and my friends and sisters in Christ, have held my arms up in this battle. They still do.
The battle is still ongoing, and I am sure it will be on some level, until I go home to see Jesus.
I am sharing my stories with you because we need to talk about hard things. This is difficult for us as Christians. I think it was freeing for me to tell God how I really felt, and not worry that I would be thrown out of heaven, or lose some status.
God wants us to be honest, to work through our stuff, and live free here on earth, not just in heaven. That is why He sent Jesus! He is where hope is found!
As I battled and fought with the temptations to run away somewhere, I was reminded of past lessons. I am in the best place there is to be, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Satan wants me to believe that God is keeping His best from me, and holding out on me, just like he said to Eve. He wants me to doubt God’s love, and faithfulness to me. It was frightening to me how subtle it all can be.
If you are struggling with hopelessness, depression, or any kind of oppression, please reach out. Go see a christian counselor, a Pastor, a trusted friend, or a Doctor you can trust.
Most importantly, reach out to the One who loves you more than anyone could. Reach out to the One, where hope is found. Jesus Christ.
I am not a counselor. I am just someone who has experienced a struggle. If you need professional help, please pray about finding someone who is trustworthy and will lead you in the right direction for what you need.
However, if you want to talk about how you can have hope in Jesus Christ, I can talk to you about that. Reach out if you want to talk about that more.
YOU ARE LOVED!
YOU HAVE A PURPOSE!
YOUR LIFE HAS MEANING!
WE NEED YOU HERE!
Heavenly Father, Thank YOU for loving us. Thank You for giving us Your son, so our relationship with You could be restored, and we can have hope. In Jesus Name! Amen!