A couple of weeks ago, I heard a friend joking around, saying, “By the time we are done with this, we will know everyone’s true hair color.” I laughed for a minute and then began to ponder the truth hidden in that statement.
I have seen posts all over social media about making hair stylists and nail technicians, essential personnel. People with nails in awful situations because they can’t have them maintained right now.
I went to go put up my hair so I could cook, and the silver strands I saw growing out of my roots made me cringe.
The online way of doing things is exposing me in a whole other way. My cochlear implants have made life more comfortable as they help me hear. I can go to events, parties, worship services, and the grocery store and function well. When I get home, I crash, take my “ears” off, and give myself a break. On the hard days, I don’t do face to face as much, and I especially don’t talk on the phone. People don’t see my process so much. They mainly see me functioning well. They don’t see my maintenance times. So I can keep the struggle hidden better.
However, things have changed temporarily, and face to face is no longer an option. Everything is phone and online listening, which is twice as hard as face to face. It is putting me in a place where people can see my limitations, vulnerabilities, and difficulties right out in the open.
Can I be honest? I detest this.
There are other things God is exposing right now.
With the extra time we have, I have been able to do some studying in God’s word I have wanted to do. There are different areas of scripture I am studying for ministry purposes and writing purposes. These areas are tying in together, and the truths I am taking in are fully exposing my heart right now.
It is uncomfortable, and it hurts, yet it is necessary.
What are we going to do with this experience?
For me, there has been repentance—things from childhood, my parenting years, marriage, and relationships. Roots of pride buried in my heart. Wrong attitudes, disobedience, and bitter roots that have darkened my heart over the years.
I truly understand the meaning of the eyes of my heart opening up to see things in God’s word I have not seen or understood before. There is a depth I have never gone to or explored before now.
I am journaling about it, writing about it, sharing it with those I walk together with, and I am continuing to go back for more.
I am not good with my hair getting gray and not being able to cover it up. I don’t like having my every day hearing limitations and vulnerabilities out in the open for all to observe. I don’t like having my heart thoroughly exposed with no way to self protect.
What will you do with this opportunity? Will you keep trying to cover up those areas, or will you allow God to fully expose your heart, to bring that healing and freedom only found in Him.
I choose to let Him expose me and trust the pain, and work will be worth it. I choose to be known by God and others around me ,and no longer try to cover up those areas to self-protect.
P.S. However, when this is over, I will choose to go and see my hairdresser again to have my hair done and cover up my grays, but now the secret is out.